The One With A Startling Lack Of Fancy New Graphics
Show held at The Old Mill in Leigh, Thursday Week 3, March 2020. Attendance: 72.
Nathan Cruz vs Prince Ameen
Before the match Cruz tried to complain about having to defend his #1 Contender's spot. He said it was "an injustice of gargantuan proportions, an inquisition not seen like the days of ancient Spain. This is intolerable oppression..." I cut off his mic, rang the bell - Ameen and his buddies Ali and Singh pounced on him like piranhas. Cruz's allies The Prestige flooded the ring to defend their comrade. Bodies everywhere. Goofy pro-wrestling carnage broke out. Somewhere among an entertaining tornado of flying bodies and ridiculous bumps there was a pretty good opening bout. I can't even begin to describe all the mad, zany shit that went on. Suffice to say Cruz won the battle after some industrial-strength cheating and plenty of Prestige interference. Ameen was pissed. Cruz still had a title shot he could cash-in any time. And our 9th show was off to a flyer. Match rating: 42.
Angle: Get On With It, Already.
The Bhangra Knights were still in the ring after Ameen's loss and were angrily demanding an opponent to take their frustrations out on. RJ Singh and Ali announced they wanted to defend their titles "right here! Right now!" The camera cut to me in my ringside commentary position as our tiny audience keenly awaited my answer. I opened another beer, shrugged, rang the bell, and let them get on with it. Angle rating: 38.
The Bhangra Knights vs Eddie Vega & ???
With all the speculation taking place as to who would replace Jokey, our online audience were keen to see who would become the other half of the Dark Circus. GBW's demented clown Eddie Vega came to ring alone, slid calmly into the ring, and immediately started throwing punches. He did surprisingly well despite the 2 vs 1 disadvantage. The 3 competitors treated us all to a decent, fun match. Finally the numerical advantage of the Bhangra Boyz took effect, and a two-man Delhi Driver had Vega in trouble. He beat a near 3-count and rolled out of the ring to safety. Suddenly he ran off through the curtains to the backstage area. I stopped the referee from doing a count out, curious to see what tricks Vega had planned.
He returned seconds later with his new tag partner... Gerald.
Who was Gerald, you ask?
This is Gerald:
Meet Gerald, everybody. Gerald the fücking lion.
The Knights ran for their lives, which was perfectly understandable. Our bravely stupid / stupidly brave referee John Myers immediately DQ'd Vega for bringing a lion to the ring, which was also perfectly understandable. The lion pounced on Myers, perhaps in an act of bestial retribution, ripping his referee's shirt with it's massive claws, before going for the jugular. Myers did what he does best - he cried, pissed his pants, then fainted. I ran into the ring and forced Vega to get his God-damned lion under control, which he did with ease. Looking back at the footage you can clearly see the look of utter disbelief on my face - I bet Vince McMahon never had to deal with this crazy shit. I tried not to look terrified as I marched Eddie and his new 'tag partner' out the ring and towards the backstage area. I'm pretty sure it was only my bad aftershave that stopped me becoming the lion's dinner. Either way this match-up got people talking, to say the least.
Referee John Myers would spend the rest of the show sat in the corner of the ring twitching, crying and moaning. I guess I could've done more to help that poor, traumatised little bastard - I'm not sure if the box of tissues I gave him to cry into was much use. He never quite got over his run-in with the lion. In the short-term it effectively rendered every other match on the card a No Disqualification bout, as our only referee was in no fit state to officiate. To say the roster took advantage of the situation would be the understatement of the year. Match rating: 39.
Angle: 5 Becomes 4.
Next up was GBW Champion Joey Hayes holding court in the ring, sorting out business. He was not happy. His face was still marked up from his brutal encounter with John 'Asylum' Doe last time. He got right in the face of his 'bodyguard' David Finlay Jr, yelling about how he was pissed at how he left him alone in the ring with Asylum for so long before finally running in at the end. Angrily, he told Finlay Jr he didn't need a bodyguard any more; he had The Prestige now - they'd do a real job of watching his back. Finlay was fired! The self-titled '4th Generation Superstar' did what we all wish we could do to our bosses - he punched him right in the teeth. Our fans loved him for that - he'd gone from despised heel to beloved babyface with one movement of his arm. The Prestige kicked the crap out of him and tossed him out the ring like garbage to a cacophony of boos. The 5 man stable was now 4. Angle rating: 41.
Angle: The Hit List.
Our broadcast then cut to a pre-recorded promo by GBWs maniac John 'Asylum' Doe. He couldn't make it tonight but our team of underpaid student minions covered nicely with this mini-masterpiece of a video. Doe was crying about 'Corona Sadness' or 'Crooner Spiders' or 'Cruder Spices' or something. Christ only knew what he was talking about - it was impossible to hear him through that hockey mask. Long story short he was at home with a box of tissues, crying like a bitch. The guys in the locker-room told me it was serious. Maybe I should've listened, but I'd had so much whiskey he could've burst into flames and I wouldn't have noticed. But I digress... his video was much more important...
Beginning with a close-up of his psychotic, unblinking eyes, the camera slowly zoomed out revealing his blood-spattered masked face, then his massive shadowy frame, then finally the wall behind him:
It was a hit list. Up top were the names who had fallen to him so far, their names crossed out. Beneath was the name of every member of the GBW roster yet to face his wrath. Our commentary finally cut through the eerie silence:
Ryan Devlin: Is... is that blood?!
Jonny Marx (me): That'd better be ketchup! This is a family show!
Ryan Devlin: I think Asylum's sending all of GBW a message here, loud and clear! He's gonna go after them all, one by one!
Jonny Marx: My advice to anyone whose name's on that wall? Run and hide!
Angle rating: 89.
'Party Boy' Liam Slater vs 'Super' Sam Bailey
When Bailey joined GBW a great happiness came with him. I don't know why, but looking at that massive, ridiculous afro of his filled me full of joy. I was resplendent in its majesty. But at some point in the build-up to Chapter 9 that mean, goofy bastard had a hair-cut. Suddenly all the sunshine was gone from the universe. Life's euphoria has been suddenly shat out into the toilet-waters of eternity and flushed away like some kind of cosmic turd. The world was sensible now. Boring. Dull. Grey. The match between these two was anything but dull, or grey, or boring. The fans really liked it. There was even a Booker T-esque Spinerooni. But who gives a shit? The afro was gone, and so were a thousand of my smiles. Bailey won. The two former tag partners shook hands and went for beers, leaving me alone at ringside, mourning the afro-shaped hole in my existence. Match rating: 42.
Angle: Introducing Messiah Hallberg.
Next up, Blood's mysterious manager finally revealed his identity, during a segment recorded earlier in the day. The venomous Messiah Hallberg was one of Scandinavia's most controversial, outspoken and wealthiest celebrities. And here he was in my office, trying to get his 'protege' Blood reinstated into GBW. His chilling, unblinking eyes were fixed upon me like a young Hannibal Lecter. He turned the very air around him to ice as he spoke. I told him that Blood was too dangerous for Great British Wrestling, and that it'd only be a matter of time before that psychopath maimed, crippled or killed someone.
Messiah shook his head, smiled his creepy little smile, and stated he had enough money and enough power to make anything happen. "Do not doubt this, Mr Marx. My shoes are worth more than your whole company. I could bankrupt you with a single phone call, leaving you forever destitute and humiliated. But I shall not, for I know you to be a reasonable man. You will accept what I am about to offer you, because it is the only realistic choice you have." He made me an offer: put Blood in with the biggest fighter in GBW, 'Big Daddy' Walter, at our next show. He'd pay Walter's wages as our piss-pot promotion couldn't afford it. If Walter won, Hallberg would pay for Walter to appear in GBW for a whole year, and he and Blood will be gone from GBW forever. He even offered me a sworn affidavit to back this up. If Blood won, he'd get fully reinstated into GBW. Blood would work for free, and Messiah will pay all his opponent's wages. Hallberg would take full responsibility for him, and keep him under control. He claimed to understand the twisted mind of Blood. "I can can control him, Mr Marx, as I can control anyone." Angle rating: 43.
Angle: Finlay's Revenge.
David Finlay Jr was still battered and bruised after being fired from The Prestige, then having his arse kicked by his former friends. I was understandably more than just a bit upset by all this. He issued an open challenge to any Prestige member who dared face him, and swore he'd channel 4 generations of fighting pride to get revenge at any cost. The fans were starting to dig Finlay Jr and his new no-bullshit attitude. The Prestige answered the call from a safe distance at the top of the ramp, where Earl Black Jr accepted the challenge. Angle rating: 40.
David Finlay Jr vs Earl Black Jr
In a battle of next generation superstars, we saw a whole new side to Finlay Jr, who brawled the crap out of his un-prepared foe. It was like seeing Fit Finlay in there, smashing skulls. The Prestige tried to interfere but GBW's rabble of a 'security team' actually did their job for once and kept them away from the ring - there was no other option, as our only referee John Myers was still sat in the corner of the ring crying over his run-in with Gerald The Lion earlier in the show.
Earl Black Jr got some good moves in, but could do nothing to prevent the unstoppable force of his pissed off, revenge-seeking opponent. There was a flash pinfall, a 3 count, and a quick escape by Finlay Jr before The Prestige could swoop in. The fans chanted the name of a new hero as a stricken Black Jr looked mortified in defeat. Match rating: 30.
Angle: 4 Becomes 3... And One For Next Time.
The Prestige were furious. They dragged Earl Black Jr to his feet and began screaming in his face. Moments later Nathan Cruz and Joey Hayes got on the mic, and fired Black Jr for losing! Black, still stunned from his grueling loss, was left dumbfounded. To add insult to injury, Sebastian then cheap-shotted his former friend from behind, kicking him to the canvas. Hayes and Cruz joined in, stomping the crap out of their ex-comrade. Suddenly the fans cheered as Finlay Jr ran back into the ring and began busting heads, trying to save the man he was fighting moments ago. He was on a roll until Hayes brayed him with the GBW World Title. Then it was him and Black getting the crap kicked out of them by The Prestige. A Face Turn was on the cards.
Enough was enough. I got in the ring, and with the help of 'GBW Security' managed to hold the warring faction apart. I announced Cruz & Sebastian vs Finlay Jr & Black Jr for our next show. The fans were pleased. The Prestige's 3 remaining members certainly were not. Angle rating: 39.
Angle: Enough Bitching Already.
I then called out Sam Bailey and RJ Singh. Last show they were once again complaining about Joey Hayes, how he' screwed them both over since day one with his underhanded tricks, etc etc. I told them I was sick of their whining almost as much as I was sick of Hayes. I declared Bailey and Singh would face each other at the next show - the winner gets Hayes! I insisted upon one condition though: after the match they'd have to shut up about 'revenge' and being 'screwed over' for good. The winner would get to settle the score once and for all. It was about time the bad blood was finally dealt with. Angle rating: 32.
New Blood Series - Session Moth Martina vs Sebastian
In the build-up to this fight, Sebastian took to Social Media and told the world he refused to fight a lady, saying it was 'ungentlemanly'. He stated Martina was 'only here to make GBW popular with women. It's a publicity stunt. Women shouldn't be wrestling. It's political correctness gone mad'. Session Moth clearly had this in mind as she kicked him in the face to begin their battle. Suddenly all Sebastian's lofty ideals about not hitting women are gone. Game on.
It was a very open 50/50 match-up. Sebastian used his first GBW bout as a singles wrestler to highlight his mat wrestling skills, showcasing some crisp submission holds. Session Moth used her time in the spotlight to drink Strongbow Dark Fruits cider and to Twerk all over our petrified referee. Don't let the sillyness or the bright pink Reebok tracksuit fool you though - she can wrestle too, as Sebastian found out when she reversed his Elevated Surfboard submission hold into a Backslide Pin for the sudden 1-2-3. The Prestige ran to the ring to aid their snobby little comrade, but were a split second too late. Session Moth was now a fully-fledged part of Great British Wrestling. Match rating: 32.
Angle: True Colours.
Despite all their lofty pretensions moral elitism, The Prestige showed their true colours. Hayes, Sebastian and Cruz immediately started stomping holes into GBW's only female competitor. Our tiny but noisy slither of fans booed furiously and threw trash into the ring. Suddenly Black Jr and Finlay Jr ran to the ring make the save. The Prestige fled up the ramp, clearly having seen enough of their ex-teammates for one night.
Sickened by what I saw, I changed the 2vs2 I'd arranged earlier to a 3vs3. At our next show it would be all 3 remaining members of The Prestige vs Session Moth, Black Jr and Finlay Jr. "Oh, and if anyone pins Hayes, they get his title" I added with a smile. "And as further punishment for being an unbearable tit, here's Joey's opponent for tonight..." Angle rating: 51.
Joey Hayes vs 'Big Daddy' Walter - For The GBW World Title
The Prestige and the ex-Prestige are did the sensible thing upon seeing a near 7ft Austrian monster charging towards them - they ran for their lives. Hayes was terrified and suddenly all alone. He tried to run away. Walter grabbed him by the hair with his freakishly large hands, causing the GBW Champion to squeal like a pig. A sneaky low blow quickly turned the tide, however, followed by a blow to the back of the head with the World Title belt. Any decent referee in the business would have instantly disqualified Hayes for that, but our official was hiding under the ring, sobbing.
After a surprisingly open couple of minutes, the tide inevitably turned in Walter's favour given the frankly hilarious size difference between the two. 'Big Daddy' hit the GBW Champion with a barrage of genuinely brutal moves which would have destroyed most athletes. The punishment the champion took was immense and sometimes even frightening - the fans loved it - no wonder given their hatred of Hayes.
But as the fight wore on something impressive happened: Hayes would just not quit. He took a superhuman amount of damage but would simply not lay down, no matter how impossible things looked. Before our very eyes the cowardly, buffoonish Hayes we knew and detested was being stripped away, revealing a side of the champion we'd never seen before - Hayes the warrior. After 15 minutes of arse-kicking that'd make Rocky Balboa wince, Walter hit what could geniunely be referred to as The Chokeslam From Bloody Hell. The impact was so loud and so powerful our fans fell silent. But even though he was barely conscious, Hayes still somehow found the strength to kick out.
Enraged, the mountainous Austrian challenger dragged his prey to the top turnbuckle, the steel cornerpost nearly crumbling under his immense weight. He hoisted Hayes high up into the air for a killer Top Rope Powerbomb... but somehow the GBW Champion found the strength to reverse it into a Top Rope Hurricanrana. The impact of the two men hitting the canvas literally tore a hole through the ring. It was one of the biggest 'Holy Shit' moments in GBW's early history.
Both men lay unmoving in the shattered remains of our ring for what seemed like an eternity. Finally there was movement. Barely able to move after the biggest war of his career, Hayes somehow managed to drape an arm over the fallen giant. As our traumatised referee performed the count, our fans stood in unison and applauded the GBW Champion. They would go right back to hating him by our next show, but for one night only he had earned their genuine respect. And just as importantly, the GBW World Championship was still his to defend. Match rating: 46.
Overall Show Rating: 52.
Last edited by dstephe4 : 03-26-2020 at 02:57 PM.